There is a new ad campaign out by Levi's, "Hotness Comes in All Shapes and Sizes", but in the ad, all of the women are thin but with different sized butts. The article I read is located at
http://shine.yahoo.com/fashion/jeans-ad-sparks-controversy-levis-models-come-other-202400157.html
(Sorry. I don't know how to make it a link on this page.)
Really Levis? That's the best you could come up with? I understand that real women in your ads may make the skinny bitches uncomfortable. But they aren't buying your stupid jeans anyways. Real women buy Levis. Skinny women buy Guess, or some other fancy brand. I don't know. I'm not skinny. I wear jeans from Express.
I'm 5'6", 36-31-42. I got boobs and hips (birthing hips, as my mom would say, although no babies will be making their way out of me.) I weigh 151 lbs (on a good day), usually between 151 and 156. It really depends what I've been eating, what time of day it is, what day of the month it is, if I've been eating cheese and bread, and if I've pooped in the last 3 days. I'm a Virgo. We have issues.
Anyways. It's so frustrating that women have no idea what 'normal' looks like. These days, size 14 is average. To a size 8, a size 14 is big. It's 3 sizes bigger. To a size 20, a size 14 is small. The models in the magazines are typically a size 0-4, and 5'8" and taller. Plus size models are typically size 12 to 20-something. Where does that leave me and all the other women that aren't stick thin, but aren't big? We're left looking at each other, wondering if I'm that fat, am I that thin, do my arms look like that, is my belly that flabby/tight/big/round/muffin-y?
Every woman has body image issues. Shit, even men have them. So where do we go? I found a great website,
http://www.mybodygallery.com
that shows you just what a woman your size looks like. I put in my measurements and was actually pleasantly surprised. Some women looked as good/worse/better than I see myself. Real, hot, in shape, out of shape, big boobs, small boobs, sexy, frumpy, buff, flabby women. REAL WOMEN.
I suggest MEN AND WOMEN look at this website and see what real women look like. It's so hard trying to live up to the standards that media sets. Because I fail every. single. time. I'm never going to be a size 4. Shit, I'll probably never be a size 6. Size 8 is manageable. I'm realizing that this is probably the best it's going to get. And I'm ok with my best being an 8. Because I get to enjoy wine with friends, cookies with my cat, and late night dinners with my boyfriend. I wouldn't trade any of that for a piece of celery and a size 4.
February 23, 2012
September 13, 2011
LOOKING FOR A NEW FAG TO MY HAG...
WANTED: CUTE, YOUNG, UNEMPLOYED, DEVOTED FAG
One of my best friends, Nevada, is about to go on an adventure of a lifetime and is moving to Mexico for 6 months. He leaves October 11 and I will be without a sidekick. I am placing this ad in hopes that we can find him a fill-in while he is gone. Here's what we're looking for:
GAY, Pretty, Height/weight proportionate, Works out regularly, Great dresser, Unemployed (but collecting unemployment). I need somebody that is unemployed because you must be available to hang out any time of the day, any day of the week. You must be collecting unemployment (or a trust fund baby) because I'm not paying for your broke ass to hang out with me. I'll cover your costs when it involves my shows, gas to pick me up, coffee runs, etc.
Your duties would include:
Coming to my comedy shows
Going out to dinner
Sleepovers (you'll stay in the guest room)
Laughing until our stomachs hurt
Driving me to my comedy shows so I can work on my jokes
Driving me home from my comedy shows after I've had too much to drink
Helping me write jokes
Not only make bad decisions with me but encourage them
Telling me to go to the gym
Calling me out on my shit
Being available to hang out at the drop of a hat
Understanding when I cancel because I'm feeling fat
Knowing that I'm late to everything and just dealing with it
Getting high and listening to classical music with me
Replying to my texts at all hours of the night
Playing with and feeding my cats while I'm away on business
Being a vault and not spilling my secrets
Telling me how pretty I am
Making fun of me
Picking my mom up from the airport in a pink tutu and tiara
Encouraging me to follow my dreams
Having patience with me when I'm PMSing and/or hungry and bitchy
Being an amazing friend
Going shopping with me
Holding my bags (duh)
Sitting on my back porch and staring at the stars with me
Always being my plus 1
Being friends with my friends
Always willing to hang out
...And plenty more easy and fun duties that you will love, I promise.
My duties will include:
Being funny and making you laugh
Always being your plus one
Telling you the truth even when everybody else is blowing smoke up your ass
Giving you my honest opinion
Telling you you're pretty
Giving you your own joint because I like to have my own
Making you yummy dinner and breakfasts when you stay over
Taking you to my favorite cupcake shop in West Seattle
Always having good weed
Laughing at your jokes
Encouraging you to follow your dreams
Being your biggest cheerleader
Answering the phone at all hours of the night when you need to talk
Lying on Madison Beach watching you chat up all the boys
Being pretty so you can tell me how pretty I am
Going to the gym with you at 10pm
Being a loyal and great friend
NOBODY will be able to replace Nevada, but I'm determined to find a fill-in because this girl is going to be lost without her Gay. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY. And yes, I'm completely serious. My Gay is like a microwave oven...I don't know how I survived without one. Now that I have one, I can't NOT have one. So tell your friends and let's set up a time to talk. Nevada and I look forward to meeting you.
September 12, 2011
Online Dating? Why No One Wants You, By Andrea Bartz and Brenna Ehrlich, Special to CNN
This is an article that was sent to me by a friend. It was on CNN.com. And PERFECT for this blog right now.
Editor's note: Brenna Ehrlich and Andrea Bartz are the sarcastic brains behind humor blog and book "Stuff Hipsters Hate." When they're not trolling Brooklyn for new material, Ehrlich works as a senior writer at MTV, and Bartz is a news editor at Psychology Today. Got a question about etiquette in the digital world? Contact them at netiquette@cnn.com.
(CNN) -- If you're young, urban and didn't import a significant other from college, it's pretty likely that you're on an online dating site. Let's just admit that right now.
Online dating doesn't make you a creepy loser. Your collection of taxidermied frogs does. Moving on ...
Tons of folks are hooking up with future life partners (or dates or flings or accommodating couples) via the Web nowadays. People who aren't completely awkward, that is. And the place where that awkwardness has the most opportunity to shine is, undoubtedly, in your first message to a potential swain.
Granted, a lot of online dating is scrolling through photos, immediately weeding out "not my type," "holding a baby" and "just a torso," but even if someone deems you attractive (ironic mustache and all), a travesty of a first message can ruin all chances of romance.
Your missive doesn't have to be Pulitzer-worthy, by any means -- although spell check really doesn't hurt -- but there's a whole passel of openers that will get you deleted from a digital dater's heart.
1). The generalizer
Example: hey, wuts up?
Why no one wants you: You're probably stupid. Or possibly illiterate. What's going on with you? Something cool? OK, tell him/her about that, instead. Nothing at all? Go out and cultivate a hobby of some sort, and then get back to us.
2). The autobiographer
Example: Hi! My name is Sandi! I moved to L.A. from Oklahoma a couple of months ago and, I have to say, I'm lovin' it! I just adore walking my 6-year-old Pomeranian, Marshmallow, along Venice Beach!
I'm currently working as a receptionist at a dentist's office, but when I'm not answering all those phones, I really enjoy kicking back with some Lilian Jackson Braun (that cat is SO SMART, solving all those mysteries). Oh! Did I mention I majored in Life Sciences in college and lost my virginity at age 27? Anyway, tell me about YOU!
Why no one wants you: Well, what else is there to find out? We kind of feel like we've already dated you, and we were bored the first time around.
You wouldn't sit down at a bar and tell someone your life story (that role is reserved for the old and deranged), so choose something you and the dude have in common and start with that. There's plenty of time later to run out of things to say.
3). The "eccentric"
Example: Holy Cheezburgers! You sure are a purty lady! I would love to take you down to the playground and push you on the swings! And then we can go to the zoo! Or to the ocean to build a giant sand castle by the sea!
I'll stomp on it and you'll be pissed, but you'll get over it because I'm just so gosh-darned charming. (I'll also be wearing a rather irresistible bow tie -- with a motor!) Write me back, sweet child o' mine -- that sure would be fine (that rhymed!).
Why no one wants you: We are afraid you will murder us in our sleep. Hey, it's great that you're a nonconformist who has his own trained tarantula circus, and any girl who's into well-behaved bugs is sure to dig you, but trying too hard to be interesting is just that: trying too hard.
4). The robot
Example: Hi! I came across your profile and it intrigued me. I'm looking for a smart man with passion and drive, and you seem to be it! Want to get a drink sometime?
Why no one wants you: You probably sent the same message to half of OKCupid ... and Match.com ... and eHarmony ... and JDate. Yeah, dating is a numbers game and whatnot, but no one wants to be number 1,000. Take, say, three minutes to pound out a more personal message. As we have already established (see #2), we don't need your life story.
5). The creeper
Example: I want to ****** ***** with your **** ******. And then ***** **** all night long. Oh, here's a picture of my junk.
Why no one wants you: We'll let you know after we examine that snapshot. Kidding (maybe). You know that section where the girl/guy has indicated what s/he's "looking for"? Unless "casual sex" is listed, cease and desist with the sexting.
6). The gusher
Example: Oh my, you are extremely handsome, you know that? Like, you look like a movie star! And you like all of my favorite books! "The Da Vinci Code!" It changed my LIFE! I'm sure you're WAY TOO AWESOME to ever go for a girl like me, but, wow, man, I hope you deign to answer this lowly message because your eyes are like starshine.
Why no one wants you: Kindly detach yourself from my leg. According to an OKCupid study, calling someone "sexy," "beautiful" or "hot" is a huge turnoff in a first message. If you ever want to stare into those "starshine" eyes in person, hold the compliments until you're trying to get into said person's pants.
7). The wordless wonder
Example: You have been added to PatrickBatemanIsTheMan's Favorite's List!
Why no one wants you: This is the grown-up equivalent of asking your friend's friend to ask me if I like you -- but, you know, not so grown-up. Man up and say something, while avoiding numbers 1 through 6, that is.
Editor's note: Brenna Ehrlich and Andrea Bartz are the sarcastic brains behind humor blog and book "Stuff Hipsters Hate." When they're not trolling Brooklyn for new material, Ehrlich works as a senior writer at MTV, and Bartz is a news editor at Psychology Today. Got a question about etiquette in the digital world? Contact them at netiquette@cnn.com.
(CNN) -- If you're young, urban and didn't import a significant other from college, it's pretty likely that you're on an online dating site. Let's just admit that right now.
Online dating doesn't make you a creepy loser. Your collection of taxidermied frogs does. Moving on ...
Tons of folks are hooking up with future life partners (or dates or flings or accommodating couples) via the Web nowadays. People who aren't completely awkward, that is. And the place where that awkwardness has the most opportunity to shine is, undoubtedly, in your first message to a potential swain.
Granted, a lot of online dating is scrolling through photos, immediately weeding out "not my type," "holding a baby" and "just a torso," but even if someone deems you attractive (ironic mustache and all), a travesty of a first message can ruin all chances of romance.
Your missive doesn't have to be Pulitzer-worthy, by any means -- although spell check really doesn't hurt -- but there's a whole passel of openers that will get you deleted from a digital dater's heart.
1). The generalizer
Example: hey, wuts up?
Why no one wants you: You're probably stupid. Or possibly illiterate. What's going on with you? Something cool? OK, tell him/her about that, instead. Nothing at all? Go out and cultivate a hobby of some sort, and then get back to us.
2). The autobiographer
Example: Hi! My name is Sandi! I moved to L.A. from Oklahoma a couple of months ago and, I have to say, I'm lovin' it! I just adore walking my 6-year-old Pomeranian, Marshmallow, along Venice Beach!
I'm currently working as a receptionist at a dentist's office, but when I'm not answering all those phones, I really enjoy kicking back with some Lilian Jackson Braun (that cat is SO SMART, solving all those mysteries). Oh! Did I mention I majored in Life Sciences in college and lost my virginity at age 27? Anyway, tell me about YOU!
Why no one wants you: Well, what else is there to find out? We kind of feel like we've already dated you, and we were bored the first time around.
You wouldn't sit down at a bar and tell someone your life story (that role is reserved for the old and deranged), so choose something you and the dude have in common and start with that. There's plenty of time later to run out of things to say.
3). The "eccentric"
Example: Holy Cheezburgers! You sure are a purty lady! I would love to take you down to the playground and push you on the swings! And then we can go to the zoo! Or to the ocean to build a giant sand castle by the sea!
I'll stomp on it and you'll be pissed, but you'll get over it because I'm just so gosh-darned charming. (I'll also be wearing a rather irresistible bow tie -- with a motor!) Write me back, sweet child o' mine -- that sure would be fine (that rhymed!).
Why no one wants you: We are afraid you will murder us in our sleep. Hey, it's great that you're a nonconformist who has his own trained tarantula circus, and any girl who's into well-behaved bugs is sure to dig you, but trying too hard to be interesting is just that: trying too hard.
4). The robot
Example: Hi! I came across your profile and it intrigued me. I'm looking for a smart man with passion and drive, and you seem to be it! Want to get a drink sometime?
Why no one wants you: You probably sent the same message to half of OKCupid ... and Match.com ... and eHarmony ... and JDate. Yeah, dating is a numbers game and whatnot, but no one wants to be number 1,000. Take, say, three minutes to pound out a more personal message. As we have already established (see #2), we don't need your life story.
5). The creeper
Example: I want to ****** ***** with your **** ******. And then ***** **** all night long. Oh, here's a picture of my junk.
Why no one wants you: We'll let you know after we examine that snapshot. Kidding (maybe). You know that section where the girl/guy has indicated what s/he's "looking for"? Unless "casual sex" is listed, cease and desist with the sexting.
6). The gusher
Example: Oh my, you are extremely handsome, you know that? Like, you look like a movie star! And you like all of my favorite books! "The Da Vinci Code!" It changed my LIFE! I'm sure you're WAY TOO AWESOME to ever go for a girl like me, but, wow, man, I hope you deign to answer this lowly message because your eyes are like starshine.
Why no one wants you: Kindly detach yourself from my leg. According to an OKCupid study, calling someone "sexy," "beautiful" or "hot" is a huge turnoff in a first message. If you ever want to stare into those "starshine" eyes in person, hold the compliments until you're trying to get into said person's pants.
7). The wordless wonder
Example: You have been added to PatrickBatemanIsTheMan's Favorite's List!
Why no one wants you: This is the grown-up equivalent of asking your friend's friend to ask me if I like you -- but, you know, not so grown-up. Man up and say something, while avoiding numbers 1 through 6, that is.
I'm not a drug addict, I just smoke pot.
"I'm not a drug addict, I just smoke pot", was the subject line. He's of course quoting me from my profile.
The message said,
"http://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/
I used to just smoke pot, too. ;)"
My response???
7 hours later...
"Sorry it took me a while to get back. I was too high to respond. Spent the day at the beach enjoying a smoke and the sun.
It's so kind of you to refer me to MJ Anonymous. I'm sure you must get positive responses from women whom you suggest rehabilitation to on online dating sites. How are we not meeting for coffee right now?
So is offending women right out of the gate your 'angle'? Not that I was offended at all. It made for a great laugh. You even made my blog. So thank you. :-)
I hope you're having a wonderfully sober Sunday. I had a true Sunday Funday."
REALLY, DICK???
His reply: "You're right, I should've minded my own business. Good luck to you."
Why even email me? How did he think that was going to go???
"You know what, you're RIGHT!! I AM a drug addict. I never saw it before but I totally see your point. We should hang out and I should stop smoking weed. Will you show me to your meetings, where all the other lemmings hang out? Can I be like you one day? A boring academic? Oh, wait. I WAS a boring academic. I, too, was enrolled in a Doctorate program to be a psychologist. I bored MYSELF to death, and upon enrollment, realized that those people took life WAY too seriously, and therefore dropped out to go to beauty school. I started smoking weed again to make sure I was NEVER that boring again. But since you pointed it out, I've realized that MJ Anonymous is definitely the answer to all of my problems."
I hope he finds a nice girl to bore to death. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and having FUN!!!
The message said,
"http://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/
I used to just smoke pot, too. ;)"
My response???
7 hours later...
"Sorry it took me a while to get back. I was too high to respond. Spent the day at the beach enjoying a smoke and the sun.
It's so kind of you to refer me to MJ Anonymous. I'm sure you must get positive responses from women whom you suggest rehabilitation to on online dating sites. How are we not meeting for coffee right now?
So is offending women right out of the gate your 'angle'? Not that I was offended at all. It made for a great laugh. You even made my blog. So thank you. :-)
I hope you're having a wonderfully sober Sunday. I had a true Sunday Funday."
REALLY, DICK???
His reply: "You're right, I should've minded my own business. Good luck to you."
Why even email me? How did he think that was going to go???
"You know what, you're RIGHT!! I AM a drug addict. I never saw it before but I totally see your point. We should hang out and I should stop smoking weed. Will you show me to your meetings, where all the other lemmings hang out? Can I be like you one day? A boring academic? Oh, wait. I WAS a boring academic. I, too, was enrolled in a Doctorate program to be a psychologist. I bored MYSELF to death, and upon enrollment, realized that those people took life WAY too seriously, and therefore dropped out to go to beauty school. I started smoking weed again to make sure I was NEVER that boring again. But since you pointed it out, I've realized that MJ Anonymous is definitely the answer to all of my problems."
I hope he finds a nice girl to bore to death. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing and having FUN!!!
September 7, 2011
thejake1234
Things started out simple enough with a message from 'thejake1234'.
"Hi there I have always wanted to get to know and hang out with a woman like you I love your look please let me know if you would like to talk ?"
He doesn't have a picture posted so I went to his profile.
Oh. Go figure. He's married.
So I said, "Umm. You're married. No thanks."
To which he replied, "At least I was honest about it. No need to be rude."
And then this is where it got fun. (Just a disclaimer: I may be PMSing. And I'm hungry.)
"Ha!! You think THAT was rude?
You want rude, you piece of shit? How about how rude it is to be cheating on your fucking wife? I'm sure she'd think that you were being pretty rude by trolling for dirty pussy on an Internet dating site. Imagine how rude it would be for you to give her herpes/get a girl pregnant/have her find out you're cheating. Can you imagine? That's pretty rude.
I was being polite. Now you have rude. See the difference?"
"Hi there I have always wanted to get to know and hang out with a woman like you I love your look please let me know if you would like to talk ?"
He doesn't have a picture posted so I went to his profile.
Oh. Go figure. He's married.
So I said, "Umm. You're married. No thanks."
To which he replied, "At least I was honest about it. No need to be rude."
And then this is where it got fun. (Just a disclaimer: I may be PMSing. And I'm hungry.)
"Ha!! You think THAT was rude?
You want rude, you piece of shit? How about how rude it is to be cheating on your fucking wife? I'm sure she'd think that you were being pretty rude by trolling for dirty pussy on an Internet dating site. Imagine how rude it would be for you to give her herpes/get a girl pregnant/have her find out you're cheating. Can you imagine? That's pretty rude.
I was being polite. Now you have rude. See the difference?"
"I really like some vaginal penetration"
This shit is WAY too good to NOT share. Sorry it's taken me a month to blog again. I'm not the best at it, but I think we can all agree that when I do post something, it's worth the wait. Here's my new favorite person on POF. This is the message I got this morning:
Sup Boo
As you can probably tell, i spend a lot of my time working out. When i am not gettin' my swell on, I am a champion world of warcraft player.
I hope you like my cape, most women get wet over. It is either that or the spell that i cast on them.
I would love to take you to Sizzler for some fine cuisine or maybe Outback Steakhouse for a bloomin Onion.
I like making out as well but i really like some vaginal penetration. Hopefully you can handle me. My mom says i am huge.
Well time put on my invisibility cloak on.
Can't wait to hear back from you..
Jim Durden
And my response:
You had me at Sizzler. I'm pretty sure I just fell in love with you. Either that or it's heartburn from the pork rinds I've been eating all day. Being a stoner is tough business I tell ya.
That's a pretty sick 'do you have in that picture. What I wouldn't give to run my fingers through it. I like to pet people, being a cat lady and all. Maybe you'll start purring like the hot little kitten you are. You'll love my cats. They're pretty amazing. They sleep with me. I hope you don't mind. The 6 of us have a routine so you'll have to be pretty special to get in on all the action.
Bloomin onions are my favorite. As are the all you can eat buffets at Sizzler. Being a former fatty, I sure can put it away. I hope you're up for the challenge. I learned a few tricks in college (no, not just how to give killer blow jobs) to help me stay nice and slender, so you don't have to worry about me ballooning up again. Plus, the amount of Adderall I eat and Jameson I drink keeps me movin and pukin. When can we make this magic happen, Kid Wonder?
Sup Boo
As you can probably tell, i spend a lot of my time working out. When i am not gettin' my swell on, I am a champion world of warcraft player.
I hope you like my cape, most women get wet over. It is either that or the spell that i cast on them.
I would love to take you to Sizzler for some fine cuisine or maybe Outback Steakhouse for a bloomin Onion.
I like making out as well but i really like some vaginal penetration. Hopefully you can handle me. My mom says i am huge.
Well time put on my invisibility cloak on.
Can't wait to hear back from you..
Jim Durden
And my response:
You had me at Sizzler. I'm pretty sure I just fell in love with you. Either that or it's heartburn from the pork rinds I've been eating all day. Being a stoner is tough business I tell ya.
That's a pretty sick 'do you have in that picture. What I wouldn't give to run my fingers through it. I like to pet people, being a cat lady and all. Maybe you'll start purring like the hot little kitten you are. You'll love my cats. They're pretty amazing. They sleep with me. I hope you don't mind. The 6 of us have a routine so you'll have to be pretty special to get in on all the action.
Bloomin onions are my favorite. As are the all you can eat buffets at Sizzler. Being a former fatty, I sure can put it away. I hope you're up for the challenge. I learned a few tricks in college (no, not just how to give killer blow jobs) to help me stay nice and slender, so you don't have to worry about me ballooning up again. Plus, the amount of Adderall I eat and Jameson I drink keeps me movin and pukin. When can we make this magic happen, Kid Wonder?
August 7, 2011
What's up Cumstain?
I had to reserve a post just for this guy: supercokyahole.
I'm assuming he meant 'cocky' and not 'coky', since he's all roided out and doesn't seem like he'd be doing a bunch of coke. The roids must affect his spelling. And grammar. And punctuation. And intelligence. And my attraction to him.
This is his FIRST email to me. This is all copy and paste.
Subject line: Your fucking cool bro, haha
Like about you: your independant, you dont want to be married, you seem like a lot of fun, by that i mean, you can roll with the punches, your honest, i like it when a girl can tell me the truth about anything, you smoke weed.
I personally cant smoke weed because im an Army Ranger but before i joined i used to smoke constantly, im from Northern California where the weed is very good. Im in the military but im not a douche, most people say I dont look like I am. I just signed up because i wanted to shoot a terrorist, lol. Its a good rush to shoot somebody in the head. Anyway, i guess im an adrenaline junky, but im a lot of fun and have a great sense of humor. Im well groomed and an all around good dude. That was the longest message i have ever wrote on here. Haha usually i just say " whats up cumstain" lol. You would be surprised.
WHAT. THE. FUCK????!!!!!!?????
He called me 'bro' before he even said anything else. Awesome.
Your and you're. KNOW THE FUCKING DIFFERENCE!!!
I love the fact that he says although he's in the military he's not a douche, and he has references to prove it! They say you're not a douche because they're worried YOU'LL FUCKING KILL THEM!!! Do you ask your friends if you're a douche or just the general public? ASK ME, ASK ME!!!
Wow!! You get a rush shooting people in the head?? And who says our military is a bunch of uneducated meat-heads!! I get a rush telling jokes. And you're it!!
Well groomed is good. I'm glad you have at least that going for you. If you can't be smart, at least you're pretty.
I bet that was the longest message you've written...ever! Glad I had the honor of reading that diarrhea of the mouth. Part of me wishes you would have just called me a cum stain and saved a minute of my life. But then I wouldn't have so much to respond to!!
He has a great sense of humor does he? Let's see if he gets my humor!! This is going to be FUN!!
Different Approaches
So there are a few different approaches that men have taken to initiate a conversation. Some good ones and my reaction/responses:
"Hey."--Delete.
"Hey, what's up?"--Delete
"What's up? Anything good on TV tonight?"--Delete
"What are you doing?"--"Breathing."--Delete
It gets better:
dancooper says:
"I would so do you while you wore just that necktie."
"I want to use my strap-on first and you can wear the neck tie on your forehead...Rambo style. Deal?"
"Can't we just smoke pot and you let me go down on you and give you a proper orgasm?"
"What, not man enough to let a woman fuck you in the ass?"
"Last time I checked, my asshole was made for shitting out of, not taking in your dildo, you little Charlie Chaplinesque ass-monger. You're (sic) cunt? Now that, I'm certain, was made for shoving a thick cock into... and I have one if you're feeling the need."
I'm still waiting to reply to that one. Leaving him hanging. To be continued...
LookingForFun had so much promise: 36, lawyer, smokin hot, looking for a casual encounter. Three emails in, "Just so that you know, I'm married. What are your feelings about that?"
"Does your wife know about these affairs?"
"She does not."
"Then my feelings are: karma. You're the reason why I don't believe in marriage."
Grrr...dickhead.
Travis206 from PRISON says that he's a very good man. And there's no mention of what he's locked up for, just that he enjoys camping, being the best that he can be, good people, and anal.
Threadedwit said, "I'll take your food baby."
"Would you like me to put it in a box and mail it to you?"
Really???? I mean COME ON!!!
hellohello_1 wrote a really lengthy email but he had no picture. How am I supposed to judge you without a picture? So I asked him where his pictures were. He responded with a seething response, calling me shallow and stuck up. This was our final exchange:
"Oh I'm sorry. The last time I checked this was a DATING website, where looks are MOST DEFINITELY taken into consideration. I've never looked somebody's stellar personality in the eyes while I gave a blow job. Maybe you should have spent a little less time on my page and more on yours. Anybody else who's contacted me has had the decency to include a picture. I don't have time to waste on people who are trying to win me over with their personality. Let's be honest, you and I both know that never works. So to answer your question, yes, I am that shallow that I need a picture to decide if you're worth wasting my time on. Best of luck with your charm."
Oh, then there's percival1981: "I'm sure your independent feminist self is probably too much for me to handle. But nice artwork."
"Lol. I'm sure it probably is. And thanks!!"
"Wow sure are we? Well when you wanna come down to my level call me."
"Why would I want to do that?"
I know, I know. I'm a bitch. But COME. ON!!! Guys, you have ONE opportunity to make contact with not just me, but with any other woman you contact in real life or on a dating website. Make it good. And if you don't see what was wrong with any of the above, you should save us time and punch yourself in the face.
"Hey."--Delete.
"Hey, what's up?"--Delete
"What's up? Anything good on TV tonight?"--Delete
"What are you doing?"--"Breathing."--Delete
It gets better:
dancooper says:
"I would so do you while you wore just that necktie."
"I want to use my strap-on first and you can wear the neck tie on your forehead...Rambo style. Deal?"
"Can't we just smoke pot and you let me go down on you and give you a proper orgasm?"
"What, not man enough to let a woman fuck you in the ass?"
"Last time I checked, my asshole was made for shitting out of, not taking in your dildo, you little Charlie Chaplinesque ass-monger. You're (sic) cunt? Now that, I'm certain, was made for shoving a thick cock into... and I have one if you're feeling the need."
I'm still waiting to reply to that one. Leaving him hanging. To be continued...
LookingForFun had so much promise: 36, lawyer, smokin hot, looking for a casual encounter. Three emails in, "Just so that you know, I'm married. What are your feelings about that?"
"Does your wife know about these affairs?"
"She does not."
"Then my feelings are: karma. You're the reason why I don't believe in marriage."
Grrr...dickhead.
Travis206 from PRISON says that he's a very good man. And there's no mention of what he's locked up for, just that he enjoys camping, being the best that he can be, good people, and anal.
Threadedwit said, "I'll take your food baby."
"Would you like me to put it in a box and mail it to you?"
Really???? I mean COME ON!!!
hellohello_1 wrote a really lengthy email but he had no picture. How am I supposed to judge you without a picture? So I asked him where his pictures were. He responded with a seething response, calling me shallow and stuck up. This was our final exchange:
"Oh I'm sorry. The last time I checked this was a DATING website, where looks are MOST DEFINITELY taken into consideration. I've never looked somebody's stellar personality in the eyes while I gave a blow job. Maybe you should have spent a little less time on my page and more on yours. Anybody else who's contacted me has had the decency to include a picture. I don't have time to waste on people who are trying to win me over with their personality. Let's be honest, you and I both know that never works. So to answer your question, yes, I am that shallow that I need a picture to decide if you're worth wasting my time on. Best of luck with your charm."
Oh, then there's percival1981: "I'm sure your independent feminist self is probably too much for me to handle. But nice artwork."
"Lol. I'm sure it probably is. And thanks!!"
"Wow sure are we? Well when you wanna come down to my level call me."
"Why would I want to do that?"
I know, I know. I'm a bitch. But COME. ON!!! Guys, you have ONE opportunity to make contact with not just me, but with any other woman you contact in real life or on a dating website. Make it good. And if you don't see what was wrong with any of the above, you should save us time and punch yourself in the face.
Online Dating is FUN!!!
Ok. I did it. I joined an online dating site and have been having a fucking blast. And the message I got today finally motivated me enough to sit down and blog. I want people (mostly men) to see what women are faced with today!! You won't believe the shit that men say to us and what we have to put up with. I laugh it off because it's funny, but some women are on such a timeline to get married and have kids they put up with this!! And that's where the mess starts. Men think they have good pick up lines and some game when really women are desperate enough they look past them.
Back story: I've been single for 2 sometimes shitty, but mostly wonderful years. I've learned so much about myself in this time, have really focused on myself and have had tons of fun just being free and following my dreams. I spent all of my 20's in relationships and used to consider myself a serial monogamist. I spent 11 years in 4 different relationships and never dated. I rebounded and then ended up sticking with that person for years, sometimes foolishly. Everything happens for a reason (as they say so that we don't live our lives regretting all of our decisions) and I learned some very valuable lessons. Mainly, I needed to be single. So here I am: 32 at the end of the month, single with 2 cats, not actively dating anybody but not against it either, not looking for anything serious, and not willing to compromise anymore. If you don't meet my standards, you're not worth my time. It's not fucked up, it's not mean, it's not being a bitch and it's not being snobby. I know what I have to offer and I'm not settling anymore. I'd rather be single and happy than in a relationship and settling. I travel, have great friends, spend my time laughing and making people laugh and love my life. Why would I compromise all of that?
So now you're up to date and we can get to the fun stuff. It'll probably take me a few days to catch you up and to blog everything that I think you'll enjoy, so please be patient. This shit is GOOD, and will be WORTH IT.
Let's start with my page so you can all see what I've posted and the responses I am getting based on what I've put up. I don't know how to post pictures, otherwise I'd include those as well. (Any help on this would be appreciated.)
I am seeking a: Man
For: Hanging Out
Marital Status: Single
Profession: Hairstylist
Education: Bachelors degree
Do you want kids: No
Do you have kids: No
Do you Drink: Socially
Do you do drugs: 3 or more times a week
Do you have a car: Yes
BlahBlahBlah00 isn't seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment.
Relationship History: The longest relationship BlahBlahBlah00 has been in was over 3 years long
Interests: Working out, Travel, Long Walks on Short Piers, Laughing, Reading, Punching Babies, Comedy, Making Out, Road Trips, House Music, Dancing, Camping, Smart Conversations, Wearing Mustaches
About Me: Hobbies: working out, baking, reading, making people laugh, comedy shows, drinking Jameson & Ginger, driving around and looking at houses, solo road trips, traveling.
Goals: learn Italian, run a half marathon, live in Italy for a month, read a book a month, spend more time with quality friends, be in the best shape of my life, take more naps.
Why I'm unique: I'm 31, single, don't want kids and therefore, don't see the need to get married. This sets me apart because I'm not on a timeline and just like to have fun. I'm focused on my career and don't need to be sidetracked by a needy boyfriend/girlfriend, but I wouldn't mind having someone to have fun with in the meantime. I'm not a drug addict, I just smoke pot. Often. I don't smoke cigarettes and don't date smokers.
Music: I listen to a lot of electronic music. When there's nothing on those stations (in my car on XM radio)I listen to 80's, 90's and cheesy love songs. Lionel Richie is my friend. My favorite Pandora stations are: Deadmau5, Swedish House Mafia, Calvin Harris, Nate Dog, Diana Krall, Ani Difranco, Norah Jones, and Flight of the Conchords.
I cuss a lot, prefer Converse to heels, jeans to skirts, and tank tops. That being said, I clean up well and like to dress up on special occasions. I like camping, hiking, sailing, kayaking, all the outdoorsy stuff you're supposed to like when you live in Seattle. I don't do it every weekend, but the option is there. My friends joke that I'm a gay man stuck in a woman's body. My humor is dirty and funny and it makes me happy when I can make people snort when they laugh. Water out of the nose is also a favorite. I am not a private or secretive person. If you want to know about me, just ask. I'm a nerd, pretty traditional, a feminist, and actually quite solitary. I say the things everybody is thinking but nobody is saying. I'm a super cool chick that loves to have fun, is responsible, independent, an ***hole at times, and very honest. What you see is what you get. No time for lies, deceit, blowing smoke, or stupidity. I may hurt your feelings but it grows character and you'll thank me in the end.
First Date: I don't do dinnerviews. Why would I want to eat if you make me sick? Drinks are good, so is coffee.
LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!!
Back story: I've been single for 2 sometimes shitty, but mostly wonderful years. I've learned so much about myself in this time, have really focused on myself and have had tons of fun just being free and following my dreams. I spent all of my 20's in relationships and used to consider myself a serial monogamist. I spent 11 years in 4 different relationships and never dated. I rebounded and then ended up sticking with that person for years, sometimes foolishly. Everything happens for a reason (as they say so that we don't live our lives regretting all of our decisions) and I learned some very valuable lessons. Mainly, I needed to be single. So here I am: 32 at the end of the month, single with 2 cats, not actively dating anybody but not against it either, not looking for anything serious, and not willing to compromise anymore. If you don't meet my standards, you're not worth my time. It's not fucked up, it's not mean, it's not being a bitch and it's not being snobby. I know what I have to offer and I'm not settling anymore. I'd rather be single and happy than in a relationship and settling. I travel, have great friends, spend my time laughing and making people laugh and love my life. Why would I compromise all of that?
So now you're up to date and we can get to the fun stuff. It'll probably take me a few days to catch you up and to blog everything that I think you'll enjoy, so please be patient. This shit is GOOD, and will be WORTH IT.
Let's start with my page so you can all see what I've posted and the responses I am getting based on what I've put up. I don't know how to post pictures, otherwise I'd include those as well. (Any help on this would be appreciated.)
I am seeking a: Man
For: Hanging Out
Marital Status: Single
Profession: Hairstylist
Education: Bachelors degree
Do you want kids: No
Do you have kids: No
Do you Drink: Socially
Do you do drugs: 3 or more times a week
Do you have a car: Yes
BlahBlahBlah00 isn't seeking a relationship or any kind of commitment.
Relationship History: The longest relationship BlahBlahBlah00 has been in was over 3 years long
Interests: Working out, Travel, Long Walks on Short Piers, Laughing, Reading, Punching Babies, Comedy, Making Out, Road Trips, House Music, Dancing, Camping, Smart Conversations, Wearing Mustaches
About Me: Hobbies: working out, baking, reading, making people laugh, comedy shows, drinking Jameson & Ginger, driving around and looking at houses, solo road trips, traveling.
Goals: learn Italian, run a half marathon, live in Italy for a month, read a book a month, spend more time with quality friends, be in the best shape of my life, take more naps.
Why I'm unique: I'm 31, single, don't want kids and therefore, don't see the need to get married. This sets me apart because I'm not on a timeline and just like to have fun. I'm focused on my career and don't need to be sidetracked by a needy boyfriend/girlfriend, but I wouldn't mind having someone to have fun with in the meantime. I'm not a drug addict, I just smoke pot. Often. I don't smoke cigarettes and don't date smokers.
Music: I listen to a lot of electronic music. When there's nothing on those stations (in my car on XM radio)I listen to 80's, 90's and cheesy love songs. Lionel Richie is my friend. My favorite Pandora stations are: Deadmau5, Swedish House Mafia, Calvin Harris, Nate Dog, Diana Krall, Ani Difranco, Norah Jones, and Flight of the Conchords.
I cuss a lot, prefer Converse to heels, jeans to skirts, and tank tops. That being said, I clean up well and like to dress up on special occasions. I like camping, hiking, sailing, kayaking, all the outdoorsy stuff you're supposed to like when you live in Seattle. I don't do it every weekend, but the option is there. My friends joke that I'm a gay man stuck in a woman's body. My humor is dirty and funny and it makes me happy when I can make people snort when they laugh. Water out of the nose is also a favorite. I am not a private or secretive person. If you want to know about me, just ask. I'm a nerd, pretty traditional, a feminist, and actually quite solitary. I say the things everybody is thinking but nobody is saying. I'm a super cool chick that loves to have fun, is responsible, independent, an ***hole at times, and very honest. What you see is what you get. No time for lies, deceit, blowing smoke, or stupidity. I may hurt your feelings but it grows character and you'll thank me in the end.
First Date: I don't do dinnerviews. Why would I want to eat if you make me sick? Drinks are good, so is coffee.
LET THE GAMES BEGIN!!!!
December 14, 2010
Camel Toe
A few weeks ago after I got offstage, a fellow comic called me over and asked, "Are you wearing any underwear?"
"Yes, why?"
"Are you sure?"
"Um, yeah, I can feel the thong up my ass right now. Why?"
He the proceeded to give the universal camel toe sign of a fist with the index and middle finger in a hook position.
Really? Fucking awesome. Those pants have since been retired.
But then I started thinking...isn't camel toe just pussy cleavage? I thought men loved cleavage? I love cleavage. Why don't we love the camel toe? Camel Toe, or CT, is a courteous advertisement. It lets other people know what you're packing. It takes a brave woman to rock pants that are 2 sizes too small in order to show off the CT. Isn't that what we do with our shirts? Why does the CT have such a bad wrap, that's what I want to know? And how do I start a CT awareness movement? I want to be able to wear those pants again without being mocked.
I could see this turning into a great sketch comedy...
"Yes, why?"
"Are you sure?"
"Um, yeah, I can feel the thong up my ass right now. Why?"
He the proceeded to give the universal camel toe sign of a fist with the index and middle finger in a hook position.
Really? Fucking awesome. Those pants have since been retired.
But then I started thinking...isn't camel toe just pussy cleavage? I thought men loved cleavage? I love cleavage. Why don't we love the camel toe? Camel Toe, or CT, is a courteous advertisement. It lets other people know what you're packing. It takes a brave woman to rock pants that are 2 sizes too small in order to show off the CT. Isn't that what we do with our shirts? Why does the CT have such a bad wrap, that's what I want to know? And how do I start a CT awareness movement? I want to be able to wear those pants again without being mocked.
I could see this turning into a great sketch comedy...
September 24, 2010
Social Etiquette for the Socially Retarded
Tip #2: Unless you're fucking a woman, you have ONE opportunity to tell her that she smells nice. ONE.Because every time after the first time just gets you further and further into the CZ (Creep Zone), especially if you lean over and whisper it into her ear every time you see her. If a scarf or sweater come up missing, you're going to be the first person suspected.
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